Mother: I’m going to just go right up to school and tell Mrs. You are so bright, you need a lot of exciting things going on to keep your interest.ĭaughter: Well, I hate school and I don’t want to go. The child felt that her mother wasn’t listening to her and would eventually learn not to turn to this mother for support. This parent seemed annoyed, angry, and impatient, and didn’t want to hear that the child hated school. Everyone has to do things they don’t want to do and you are no different.ĭaughter: (Slinks away, dejected with shoulders and head hanging down, whimpering) I hate school and I hate gym. Mother: Well, you better learn to like it, and to like school too. Besides we’re playing basketball and I hate that. You have Physical Education today and you always love that.ĭaughter: No I don’t. Mother: (said roughly) Of course you want to go to school today. To get a feel for Active Listening, read the following three scenarios which show how three different parents could respond to the same situation that their 10-year-old daughter wants to discuss.Īs you read, please think about how the parent and the child are feeling and how the parent’s responses affect the relationship between them.ĭaughter: (sounding glum) I don’t want to go to school today. It is no wonder that when you first begin to practice this skill, it can feel forced, unnatural, and uncomfortable. This is a time to let your children talk without interruptions or judgment, while you listen to what they have to say.Īctive listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master.īecause you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our fast-paced, solution-oriented society, it can feel like you are learning a second language. It is not the time to object, teach, help your children to solve a problem, or ask a ton of questions. “ She only invited the ‘cool’ kids.”Īcceptance is the heart and soul of Active Listening. By accepting your child’s view, you free him up to focus on his own feelings, perhaps even clarifying his own thoughts. Had you countered your child’s statement with “ I know Joshua wasn’t invited,” you may have gotten into an argument over Joshua’s social status. Often parents resist at this point, thinking that Active Listening implies that you are agreeing with whatever your children are saying.īut accepting is not the same as agreeing.įor example, your child may declare angrily, “ I was the only one in the class not invited to the party.” While you may know this statement to be untrue, you can accept that your child feels left out by saying, “You are upset that you weren’t included.” When you are active listening, there is no judgment or evaluation of what the speaker is saying. Having this secure relationship is one of the strongest factors in helping your children to become resilient, responsible, and caring people who are open to your love and your guidance. Really listening to your children is the best way to create a caring relationship in which they see you as being “in their corner” and as a base to which they can always return when they need support. It can feel like a relief to learn that you do not need to “fix” everything for your children.īy listening to them, you are communicating that they are worthy of your attention.īy hearing their distress, you are demonstrating that their view of the world has merit.īy allowing them time to decide their course of action, you are indicating your trust in their ability to solve problems.Īctive Listening is the single most important skill you can have in your parenting “toolbelt.” It is a specific form of communication that lets another person know that you are “with them,” aware of what they are saying, accepting of their perspective, and appreciative of their situation. You can hear their disappointment when they do not make the team you can accept their frustration when their plans do not work out and you can acknowledge their dissatisfaction when they complain that their friends have more freedoms than they do. Listening to your children is the chief skill you can use. One way that you can keep yourself on an even ride is to learn how to steady their ups-and-downs. Often the quality of your day can feel tied to your children’s roller-coaster of emotions.
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